my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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