Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
