I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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