you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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