How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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