i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
