I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Acid is not a monday night drug
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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