Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
