I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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