And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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