Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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