hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
