OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
That accounts for only three of the penises
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
