Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I have post one night stand depression
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