i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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