I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
smell my finger.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
