You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
