yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
