did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
