So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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