I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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