my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
