I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
