The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
