Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He passed out mid-signature
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
