Do you still have your period?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
