my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
