Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
