i think i have herpe
just one?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You need Xanax blowdarts
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
