If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
