i don't plan on having that self control this summer
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
