I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
