Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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