at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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