ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize