at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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