he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
