a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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