Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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