No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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