you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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