My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
