I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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