She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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