dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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