You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I think my moral compass just broke
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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