There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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