Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
