I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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