running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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