My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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