you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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