we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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