If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
