So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
