Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
