She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
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