Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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