I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
