I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
