so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
