I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
