I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
